the end of this blog is the beginning.
and i am learning each day that there is no end.
blame is a slippery thing. i blame nicotine. mom blamed herself and her "distaste for doctors in anything other than a social setting." cancer is incredibly beatable. some is preventable. some is not.
hedge your bets.
if you smoke...try to quit. it's really hard. the tobacco industry has designed it that way. wear sunscreen. eat vegetables. see your doctor. mom quit smoking over seventeen years ago. early detection saves lives. it could have saved mummy.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

mummy loved this:



Friday, May 25, 2007

i am home again

i took the red-eye last night. missy will be baptized on sunday and aunt jane's birthday celebration is monday. all of the cartys are on their way to maryland. if we are lucky we'll see o'donnells, too. i am so looking forward to seeing everyone.

it is good to be home with maura and missy and beastly. magee is apprehensive about coming home on sunday. she hasn't been back since mummy died. i told her that it wouldn't be as hard as she thinks, because there is something very sweet about being here amongst mummy's things.

i told her that i look for the same thing every time i come home. her shoes. they are in the sunroom where she last took them off. they aren't in the exact spot, because i put them on my feet and walk around in them when i come home.

magee and i have had the same funny relationship with mom's shoes. mom had really big feet. if one of us were running down the drive to get something from the mailbox, or taking out the recycling, she would tell us to put shoes on. and i'm not really attached to shoes. i'd be just as happy running down there barefooted. so she would take her shoes off and say "wear these."

magee's feet are bigger than mine, but when mom did the same to her, she was lost in mom's big shoes, too. trying to navigate the trip down the driveway with boats on our feet was funny.

and i remember that first weekend when she was sick and seeing her shoes on the hospital floor and crying because i never thought she would wear them again. and i remember when she put them on to leave the hospital and crying tears of joy. and i remember the last time she was wearing her shoes because i took them off of her while magee was holding her up. that was december 22nd.

so my ritual is this...i find a quiet moment and i go into the sunroom and i put on her shoes. and then i sit down on the very spot where she died.

today, the sun was coming through the skylight and shining right on me like a spotlight. and i had a little cry. then i had a funny, awkward, boat-shoe walk. and that made me smile.

then i tucked her shoes right by the cabinet where we left them on december 22nd.

today was a good day because i spent it with people she loved. i see her in missy's eyes.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

in the depths of winter, i finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
— Camus