and now we wait…

christmas eve 7:00pm

she had a good day today. it was much better than some of the days we had last week. last week, when people wanted to come by, i had to say no. she was uncomfortable and delirious.

at one point, earlier this week, elly came and gave her communion and cried on her way out. mom's rapid decline has been shocking for all of us. we are so lucky to have her friends, like angels, taking care of us.

elly, with her communion, and her constant friendship, aunt mary anne, aunt jane...we are well taken care of as we all take care of mummy.

aunt mary anne and aunt jane came by the day after elly left and helped us get mom to sign the medical power of attorney so we could begin hospice care.

the hospice nurse came yesterday and made us all feel better.

just like when mummy was in the hospital in october, the days are all starting to blur together.

in the mornings, i write on a dry erase board that i prop up near her bed, "today is saturday, december 24th - christmas eve - relax. you have no appointments today.- Oh Happy Day! aunt jane and aunt mary anne and timmy are going to visit today. - eat and drink. you will feel better. - only 2 days until we have our new baby girl." i write it as much for myself as i do for her.

today aunt jane and lea and jody came by first. mom was as alert as she can be and she really enjoyed the visit. then timmy came by with pictures drawn by caroline, jude and tara, she loved that. philip came later with his children. (unfortunately, i slept through that.) and later aunt mary anne and sheila came and sat with her for a little while.

she had a good day today. she even came into the family room for a little while and sat with magee, maura and me.

mom and i are in her room now. she is in a half-awake half asleep state. we're listening to her ipod playlist. i keep pressing "repeat" when "better together" comes around.

i am googling things from the mayo clinic and the american cancer society. i just want to know how to make her feel comfortable. there was one really good page that helped by explaining what I am seeing. the splotchiness on her skin - not a good sign, the fact that her arms and legs are still warm - good sign.

christmas eve 9:00pm

when magee came home, she came in and sat with us. she is so good with mom. she got her to take her morphine and atavan. we sat her up and i climbed in bed behind her and rubbed her back while magee sat in front of her and held her hand. neither of us could keep the tears from streaming down our faces.

it's gotten to the point where i want it to stop. she coughs and coughs and coughs and she is so uncomfortable. she is in so much pain. i don't want her to leave us. i want her back. i want her to run her fingers through my hair and tell me that everything is going to be alright. i want to hear her laughter. and when she is suffering, i want her to die.

christmas day 5:00pm

magee rang me on the intercom phone at around 7 this morning, she was on mom duty again last night. she needed help giving mom some more morphine. i came down and we gave her the meds that she could handle and changed her into some fresh clothes.

we called the 24 hour hospice line. now that she can no longer swallow the oxycontin pills, is it okay to take her off cold turkey and substitute with morphine? they said "yes" and said they'd send a nurse over today.

it looks really bad today. we called the listed number for the church to ask for someone to come and give her last rites. it went to a fax machine. magee drove up to church to see if she could make the arrangements.

it must have looked funny to the people all dressed up in their christmas best, to see magee in her sweats making her way through the crowds.

magee came home and we made a good breakfast. (it would have been better if i had been paying attention and not poured tons of oregano into the scrambled eggs.)

monsignor hart came over after 10:00 mass. he gave mom her last rites and gave her communion. it was very sweet and very sad. mummy is a very faithful person. she received absolution for her sins. i know this meant a lot to her. and i know that she knew what was going on, because she made the sign of the cross every time she was supposed to. it was very special. magee and maura and i were there with her.

we had a visit from aunt jane and lea and jody. by this time, i was exhausted so i was sleeping on a mat in the corner. mummy is quite popular and has many admirers. they all are people that she admires, so she lights up when she has moments of recognition.

it's all a blur, but magee and i had several moments just sitting in silence holding her hands or rubbing her feet or both. we switched the christmas tunes to mummy's playlist. i couldn't stifle my sobs when "better together" started, but then i managed to pull myself together. magee got up to do some things in the kitchen and i sat with mom and sang along to our songs.

the hospice nurse, edwina, showed up. "edwin" is my grandfather's name. she took care of us as much as she took care of mummy. on christmas day, she sat with us for hours, explained medications, explained what we were seeing when we looked at mom, explained ways we could move her more easily and keep her more comfortable. she gave us her full, undivided attention. and she checked mom's blood pressure and heart rate and temperature.

by the time she was ready to leave, my aunt mary anne and her oldest daughter, margie, had arrived. they thought it was great that our nurse (our christmas angel) was named edwina.

margie is a nurse as well. she gave us some more helpful instructions and by the time margie and aunt mary anne had left, mom's coughing had subsided and she was sleeping comfortably.

she is sleeping comfortably now.

magee is with her while i take a nap and then we will switch. maura is so caught up in the loss that she can't stay in the room with mom for very long without losing it. i think she's in denial. she asked me this morning if mom had a "rough night." and i said that it was not particularly rough, she was just getting worse.

christmas night

i had a good nap and magee and i are set up to sleep here on the floor so we don't have to leave mummy alone. our very pregnant maura is sleeping on the pull out loveseat in the next room with the monitor next to her bed.

mom's breathing has become so labored. i find myself begging god to come take her away.

i think it is part of a divine plan. a few months ago i was begging him not to take her and tonight, i would like nothing more.


tuesday, december 26th

mummy died at 5:00 this morning.

magee and i had been up with her all night, taking turns medicating her and holding her hand and wiping her brow. her breathing became so labored, we upped her morphine dose and called the hospice nurse.

while magee was on the phone with the nurse, i kissed mummy on the forehead and whispered to her "let go. it's okay. gogo is waiting for you." and over and over again i told her, "you can go now. we'll be okay."

carol, the nurse, came by around 4:30. i laid down on the floor while she did her thing. the spot that magee and i had taken in the corner gave me the same view through the bedrails that i had at the hospital when this all started. i watched her breathe.

then her breathing changed and carol said i should get up. so magee held one hand and i held the other and carol ran and got maura out of the bathroom. and when mummy took her last breath, we were all holding on tight.

we called buzzy and he came right down. we gave him some time before we called anyone else.

the house is full now. the men from the funeral home just came and took her away. and we are still here, surrounded by people that loved her and that love us. she loved them madly.

i took a shower for the first time in a few days. i don't have to worry about leaving her anymore.

i need to get myself together. we leave in an hour to take maura to the hospital. mummy's first granddaughter will be born today.

she will be called "missy."