valentine's day is over. magee came over and we talked about how hard the day had been.

for me, it was not as bad as i had anticipated. i was floored the previous night when i opened my mailbox and found a valentine with a dog on it. mom always sent me a valentine with a dog. aunt jane had sent me a valentine with a boston terrier. and i cried because i missed mummy and i cried because i felt so lucky that i get to share her best friend.

the actual day, at work, i was insanely busy. i didn’t give it much thought until i got an e-mail from magee saying that she had been crying all day. and then an e-mail from buzzy about how much he loved us and how he had seen mummy in a dream.

so i sent them the quicktime movie of missy smiling (as soon as her mummy comes into her view) that i peek at every once in a while to carry me through the rough spots.

later that night, magee and i talked about all of the things about which we feel guilty.

she feels guilty that she didn’t spend every minute of every day in the sunroom with mom. i feel guilty that i did not write her a letter every day when i was in california for that one week in december. magee feels guilty that she was gone when mom had taken her turn for the worse. i feel guilty that i wasn’t there for the week that mom was doing great.

there are a million things that we are second guessing.

but when magee tells me what is eating at her, i can easily see that she has no reason to feel bad…and vice versa.

the times that i have had a “valentine” on valentine’s day have been largely disappointing (that is another story for another blog) but i found a remedy several years ago when I decided that I would forget about focusing on whether or not i was part of a couple and focus on celebrating love.

so i celebrated mummy on many a valentine's day. i made a poster for her one year. one year I made her a mixed tape.

some of the songs on her mixed tape are the same songs i included in the party favor i made for her funeral celebration.

and when those feelings of guilt start to creep up on me, i listen to “ain’t no mountain high enough.” and it makes me feel good. because i know that the words are true. that there was no mountain high enough and no valley low enough to keep us from her when she needed us.

when she needed us, we were there. both magee and i had friends who shared their regrets with us about things they would have done differently when they were faced with losing their mothers. those very intimate gifts made us wise enough to make her our first priority, no matter what the consequences.

it will take us a while to make up for the lost time at work and the lost sleep and the lost attention to anything other than her.

but, when i start to beat myself up for my human failings, i remember the way that she looked at us when we dropped everything and ran to her side. and i feel so good about that.

she was loved immeasurably and, with the exception of our teenage years, she always knew it.

and somewhere in the song there are four words that mean so much to me, "MY LOVE IS ALIVE. way down in my heart. although we are miles apart."

her body is dead but her love is as alive today as it was when she was physically in front of us, smiling at us with her eyes. that carries me. she still carries me.