What the *%@^?

Today was okay. I distracted myself with things that are meaningless.

My life continues to be a roller coaster.

Only one thing has changed. The fog has lifted.

And it is shocking. I feel exposed.

Because, from the moment we got the call in October until she was gone and then buried, it was surreal. I don't know how to describe it except to say that I felt like I was walking through Jello.

And, what never occurred to me then is alarmingly clear now. I had only scratched the surface when I pictured the consequences of her illness.

My mind was clear until we got that call and then it was mush. It was mush for three months. And now that it is clear again I find myself walking in circles. And i keep asking myself the same thing, "What the f**k just happened?!"

She is gone.

Because as clear as it might have seemed when were going through it...it just wasn't clear. We were in the moment. And every moment was spent trying to make her feel better in some way.

And as much as I thought I knew what was coming, I had no idea.

So I never wrapped my head around "forever." And now it is in my face. Every moment of every day.

It is shocking to me.

Because in early September I went back and saw her and we went to Cheeseburger Cheeseburger and ate burgers and shared a basket with half fries and half onion rings. And we quizzed each other with the Trivial Pursuit cards in the middle of the table.

And then in mid September, when i called her from Cocoa Beach, she couldn't talk because she had laryngitis.

And the at the end of September she found out that her vocal chords were paralyzed by lung cancer.

And then the next three months were mush. And now she is dead.

This grief is stretching my brain and I am beginning to catch glimpses of the magnitude of this. And it is bigger than anything I have ever imagined.

It is so big, it only comes to me in tiny, scary flashes. I can't wrap my head around this.

I need to take baby steps.

So I am just trying to remember how it felt those times I climbed into the bed with her and curled up behind her and felt her hand on mine. And I am trying to etch them in my brain.

Because I will never look into her eyes again. I am only beginning to really understand how huge this is.

Seriously. What the f**k just happened?

I need more time.