i don't want to be the cigarette police.

when the part of me that blames mom for her lung cancer creeps up, i shut it down by reminding myself that, if she had really known what was coming, she never would have smoked a single cigarette. i know that she loved us that much.

and about 80% of the people i work with are smokers. it's odd...here in sunny, health conscious california...but it is true.

and i don't want to be the smoking police. if i thought saying something might change them, i would. but they all know that i just buried mom and their minds cannot connect the dots because they have not seen what i have seen.

but some of these smokers that i care about have beautiful children. magical daughters that one day may have to empty their chemo-enhanced chamber pots.

magical children who deserve to have their loving parents around for as long as possible.

and i look at their bright faces when they come to the office and hope that the odds don't catch up with them.

and i know that if i told the smokers everything, everything that we have been through, it still wouldn't sink in. because it is unimaginable to them...as it was unimaginable to mummy. and she was brilliant.

but she quit 18 years ago and i am so proud of her for that. who knows how much time that bought us.

when i get a whiff of a cigarette, it is jarring. because it is the smell of senseless death and if i can smell it...i have breathed it. i don't think i will ever get used to it.