last night, magee and i went to see john hiatt and lyle lovett at a small theater in redwood city. they sat on the stage with two other singer/songwriters and took turns singing. john hiatt's first song was one of mom's favorites, "perfectly good guitar." and i couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face. then, lyle lovett was next, and he played the only lyle lovett song that was on mummy's playlist..."if i had a boat." that song selection made me gasp out loud.

i know that i am made of her...and i know that every day i will see her in the things around me. but sometimes the little things come to me in a way that is so special that i cannot help but feel like she is saying "hello" to me and reminding me that she is here with me and that i am not alone.

sometimes i catch myself saying "hi mummy" or "thank you" out loud.

some days i am okay. magee and i talk about the guilt that comes with the functioning days. "how can i feel okay today? did i not love her enough?" and then there are the days when you are always just a breath away from falling apart.

and it's strange, because your outsides look the same as they did before she died, but your insides are ripped apart. and people treat you as if nothing is wrong. it's so incredibly disconnected.

but when i see little signs from her that stand out even beyond the all the things in my world that are already painted with her personality, i really feel her taking care of me. still.

when i was on the red eye back to d.c. when we learned she had cancer, i wrote down everything i thought i needed to tell her. i wrote that i would see her in so many little things:

tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, poppies, winnie the pooh, william morris patterns, glasses, crab balls, convertibles, dogwood trees, boxers, brightly colored socks, swatch watches, geraniums, angels, the string that holds up the lid to my washing machine, flea markets, crossword puzzles, john hiatt's music, mystery novels, hadley pottery, spare ribs, merrimekko patterns, potato chip clips, charles rennie mackintosh, wallpaper, ladders, 26¢ +*, milano cookies, coffee, bandaids, wet naps, cables for cable t.v. on cup hooks, tole trays, ugly dolls, whiskey sours, eloise, london, shrimp with cocktail sauce, smocked dresses, lady bugs, measuring tapes, coppertone suntan lotion, bethany beach, leftover meat in cream of mushroom soup, chanel no. 5, keds, tool boxes, dogs drinking from the toilet, chevy chase circle, the prayer of saint francis, honey mustard pretzels, guacamole, manhattan, turtles and velatis candies, my unfinished red sweater, salmon, felt tipped pens, running bathwater, hurricanes, horses, creamed spinach, ice chewing, rockford files re-runs, tea at fortnum and mason, calder's circus, the color blue, the feeling of safety, rainy days, sunny days, the mirror.

*she gave us each a tiny envelope once. each contained a quarter and a penny. and on the outside she wrote "26¢ +"

i asked her why she gave us 26¢.

she said a quarter for a phone call and a penny for your thoughts. and when i asked her what the plus was for, she said "all your momma's love."

she was really good at loving.