i am powerless

i came home from work last night and there was a notice stuck in my door. pg&e had come by and turned off my power.

i'm sure they sent me notices. i just haven't had the energy to open my mail. (i thought i had set them up on my automatic bill pay when i switched banks earlier this year. this is one of many things that have fallen through the cracks. who knows what else i have completely forgotten?)

i have bounced checks and forgotten bills, i have lost things and ignored things. this is not how i usually live in the world. i'm usually punctual and responsible. right now, i am barely hanging on.

the few times i have actually explained to someone that my mom has died and that i am uncharacteristically disorganized, it has felt icky. like i am somehow diminishing what has happened.

the worst instance was at wells fargo. i brought copies of wire transfers and explained that i had thought that they had posted and had no intention of bouncing checks. i asked them if they would reverse the charges since we had had such a good banking relationship for over 15 years. i explained that my mom had died and i was completely unraveled. the young banker said this: "my father passed away last year and i didn't bounce any checks."

it was already incredibly humbling for me to actually say that my mom had died. when he said that, it was like a kick in the stomach. like i had trivialized her death somehow.

but i digress. on tuesday, when i came home from a late evening at work and found the notice, i called pg&e and gave them my atm number. and then i sat in my dark house and had a good cry. then i called the claremont hotel and told them that i was a neighbor, that i had no power in my house and asked them if they could give me a good rate.

then i grabbed a flashlight. (it had been tucked in its usual spot in my bedroom with functioning batteries by my former, buttoned-up self. i thanked her.) i threw some clothes in a bag, fed the dog, gave him his arthritis meds, opened the silent fridge and grabbed a bottle of mumm's champagne.

i called magee and invited her to a slumber party at the claremont.

when i checked in to the hotel, i was given a room commensurate with my rate. it was over a brightly lit dumpster. so i called tony at the front desk and told him that i really appreciated the rate, but i was wondering if i could have a better room.

he had a lot of vacancies so he upgraded me to a lovely bay view room. i told him that he had really turned around my really lousy day. he was very sweet.

magee showed up with chips and guacamole and we drank champagne and paid $9.95 for a movie that we talked all the way through.

we're both in the same place. impatient, depressed, hopeful.

mummy loved the claremont.