i left work in tears again today. not because of work. (not that work is pretty, right now...i am having an unexpectedly ugly, drama-filled week.) the drama is unfortunate, but i am not shedding any tears over that. i don't mean to be callous, but i've been dealing with so much "life and death" stuff that advertising falls very low on the list of things that might shake my psyche.

yesterday morning i sat down at my desk, turned on my computer and read a message from one of our art directors, marcus, that said that his grandmother had just died.

marcus and i have had quite a few talks about his grandmother over the past few months. he has been going through alot of the things that i went through with mummy. you don't realize until you go through it that no one can give you the answers you need. (his mom is a doctor and she didn't have all of the answers she needed.) all i could do is tell him the stuff that i wish someone had told me. like, if she's stopped eating, the dying is near. chuck gave him opportunities to go back home to spend time with her that he very wisely took.

she had been battling breast cancer for a while and doing very well, but had just started to decline. she was strong almost until the end. he called her almost every day. he felt like it was coming, and we had talked about him going home for the weekend. i had already lined up someone to cover a photoshoot for him. it just came too fast.

they were incredibly close. when he came by to get his stuff in order, it broke my heart to see this lovely, strong young man with his eyes all red and puffy from crying.

his grandmother must have been quite spectacular. he lights up when he talks about her.

today, one of our best account executives had to leave suddenly because it looks like his mother is losing her battle with breast cancer. i hope it's not true. statistically, some people DO survive. i desperately want her to be one of them. i want him to come back and say that this was just an ugly scare.

i think he's probably around 23 years old.

he's another one that lights up a room when he enters it.

i kept trying to focus on the mountain of work on my desk and i'd have tears running down my face. it sucks to lose mom. but i had her for a little over 40 years. it's not fair that he only gets 23. it breaks my heart and pisses me off. (so much for the anger stage dissipating.)

it's been a rough few days. aside from the drama, we've had a more voluminous workload this past week than we've had since i returned 16 months ago.

sadly there is enough real drama in our world. it really bums me out when people manufacture more. i suppose a year ago, i would have been able to muster up the appropriate amount of pathos...but right now i am all tapped out.

if i can just make it to the weekend, i'll head for sonoma for the 2nd birthday celebration of a particularly handsome young man and i will be amongst people i love.

bright, brilliant, lovely, sweet, exceptionally talented friends.

and next week, a fresh start with fresh air and fresh faces.

i'm still fighting my faith, but i end up saying prayers all of the time, so it must be more a part of me than i am willing to admit to myself. yesterday, i prayed for caroline. today i pray for carisa's pete. i hope his surgery today was wildly successful and his healing has begun. and i pray for marcus and his granny and jason and his mom and their families. and i pray for aunt tommie. and uncle jude. i always pray for uncle jude. and for aunt mary anne who could get a job as "the amazing strong woman" if she decided to run off with the circus. i pray for her since she holds so many of the rest of us up.

when mummy was alive, i used to call her and give her the things i needed to pray for and ask her if she would "get on it." (i figure god is much more likely to listen to her than me.) and she used to say that she would, and then she'd tell me that she would "get GoGo on it, too."

so when i was talking to carisa during my drive in, i told her that i would say a prayer, and "get mom in it, too." and then it struck me for a second that i couldn't. but then i remembered that i could.

so the faith is hanging onto me even if i am having a hard time hanging onto the faith.