jason's mother

when jason left the office suddenly a little over a week ago, i prayed that it was a mistake. a bump in the road. a scare. but i was wrong. his mom died. i find myself using the euphemism "she lost her battle with cancer." and during her service yesterday morning, someone else said that. i think it was her best friend. she said that she fought a valiant battle and lost.

and, while i understand and use the euphemism, at that moment, something in my head immediately responded, "no she didn't."

because i had listened when the priest spoke about jason's mother, jill, during the homily and i heard about her strength. and i had been listening to mom's song's on the way to the funeral mass that morning. when bonnie raitt sings "i will not be broken," it brings me right back to mom's fight.

even though the doctors told us that mom was not going to beat cancer, she fought it. valiantly, courageously and gracefully. so when i loaded an ipod with comforting and encouraging songs for her, i made sure that "i will not be broken" was there. and in my head, when i hear it now, i imagine her saying those words to cancer.

" Take me down
You can hold me but you
Can't hold what's within
Pull me round
Push me to the limit
Maybe I may bend
But I know where I'm not going
I will not be broken
I will not be broken

I won't let you near it
I will let my spirit fly
Fly
High"

and when i hear that song, i don't believe mummy lost her battle with cancer. because it broke her body, but it didn't break her spirit. it didn't break her faith and it didn't end her love. it didn't end her love for us and it certainly didn't end our love for her.

i never met jason's mother. i expected that she would have been spectacular because her son is something special. he is bright (in both the "smart" and "luminous" meanings of that word). he is funny. he is joyful.

so i wasn't surprised to find the church packed with people. and i wasn't surprised to hear what a great wife and mother she had been. and, although it is painfully obvious that she died, i don't believe for a second that she was beaten.

earlier in the service yesterday, jason's mom's best friend said that jill had asked her to deliver a eulogy. when the best friend asked if she really thought she'd be able to do it, jill's response was something like "what do i care?" like mom, she kept her sense of humor and she kept her fighting spirit and, by every account, was more concerned about her husband and her children than she was about herself. she was not beaten.

being there was sweet. catholic mass makes me feel close to mummy. even when mummy was alive, i would feel a connection to her when i went to mass. i'd be in l.a. or new york, or even in milan in the midst of a bunch of italian speaking strangers, in a church saying the same things that i knew she was saying somewhere else that day. i felt mummy there with me yesterday.

and i got a really great picture of jason's mom. she was an amazing life force in a truly lovely family. she did a really great job. she lived a wonderful life. her second son paid incredible tribute to her life when he ended his eulogy by saying "we can take it from here." because she built her four children in her likeness.

jason sent me a lovely e-mail this morning. he said that it was unfortunate that we can share the pain of losing a mom. and that is certainly true. i had really hoped he wouldn't have to feel this. especially not this soon.

while loss is as individual as the individuals we lose, grief is universal. and if you are as lucky as jason and i have been, you have siblings that you can lean on. and family and friends that will hold you up when you don't feel like you can hold yourself up any longer. it was faith affirming to see them caring for each other as magee, maura, buzzy and i do. the fact that we share that kind of love in addition to the loss we share bolsters my currently shaky belief in a greater good. goodness is universal, too.

today, it has been six months since mom died. and it shocks me. because i can't believe that much time has already passed. while it feels like it was just yesterday, at the same time, it feels like it has been an eternity.

i woke up this morning and didn't think i could get out of bed. but i did. and on the way home, aunt jane called. it was so good to hear her voice. i had started my day filled with sadness. i struggled through it and by the time i ended it, i was filled with hope. so i have made it through the first six months. and it hasn't been easy. but the words that were true for mummy are true for me, "i will not be broken."

say a prayer for jason and the bedecarre family. the services are over. the out of town guests are leaving. life is supposed to resume. this is the hard part.