the stages of grief

my friend joni sent me an article about the stages of grief just after mummy died. she had just lost her father and was on a path that was parallel to mine.

to quote her, she found it "comforting that there is a universal rhythm to our grief."

in that article they spoke about (5) stages: disbelief, yearning, anger, depression and acceptance.

i think the word 'stages" is misleading because they all bleed into each other. they are definitely not sequential.

i identify much more with the word "shock" than the word "disbelief." i think those two early nights that i had of violent shaking and the feeling that, no matter how many blankets, i was freezing, may have been actual physical shock. the emotional shock is still with me today. i'm not sure if it is less severe than it was a few months ago, or if i have just gotten used to it.

i feel "horror" sometimes, because the picture of her straining to breathe is etched in my head. and when she died, i tried to close her eyes, but i couldn't.

"yearning" is a good word. i ache for her. that stage has not passed.

"anger" is true too. but that is the only one that seems to feel like it is truly dissipating.

"depression" is expected and endured. it's like being carried out to sea by a rip current. if you fight it, you will drown, if you ride it, you will survive.

depression and anger are the only ones that feel like "stages."

"acceptance" is just not happening for me. i think a better word is "resignation." i have not truly accepted that she is gone, but i have resigned myself to the fact that i will never see her again.

right now, my faith is being shaken, because i am not sure that i believe that we will ever be together again in any form. but, like depression, i am riding that current. i don't have the strength to fight it right now, and in my heart, i don't want to fight that battle and lose. i want my faith back. so i will deal with that when i have more strength.

aunt tommie is in a hospital in delaware fighting for her life right now. and i am clinging to what little faith i have left and praying for her swift return to good health.

if you pray, say a prayer for her. say a prayer for all of us.