it actually made me laugh. and i couldn't put my finger on it at the time...but weeks later, when i was talking to magee about it, she seemed to say it best when she said, "it wasn't until i was well into adulthood that i realized that motherhood was not mom's thing."
she was definitely not june cleaver. as a child, i can clearly remember that she was overwhelmed with the whole situation. she was drowning in chauffeuring duties. in a fit of frustration, she washed my yellow uniform skirt with maura's green bookbag and i wore a green skirt for four years. she tried to discourage the last major move i made because it would have been more convenient for her if i had stayed in l.a. at the time so she could visit buzzy and i in the same city. our house was a breeding ground for dust bunnies. she made mashed potatoes with powder from a box. at the end of one visit to buzzy and i in los angeles, while she was at l.a.x. waiting to board a flight to d.c., she got a call from buzzy saying julie had gone into labor with the twins. she got on the plane anyway. when i asked her about it, she said that babies "scared" her.
like magee, when i reached adulthood, i came to fully understand that she had her own, very distinct, non-mother identity.
this is not to say that she wasn't a brilliant mother, because she definitely was. but it definitely wasn't effortless for her.
i'm missing her so much now as i wrestle with some big decisions. but when i ask myself what she would do if she were here, it would be easy to romanticize things and picture her saying just the right thing at the right time. sometimes she did. and sometimes she didn't.
but here's the thing...the last time i made a big decision...it wasn't what she had suggested. but once i told her what i had decided, she went from "i don't think that's the best idea" to "how can i help you do that" in less than 60 seconds.
i can't write about the specifics my current struggles until i have all of my ducks in a row. but i can say that i've figured things out and i've made a decision and that when i finally flipped the switch, i started to sleep much better.
then, earlier this week, i had my first vivid dream about her. it was so real. and in my dream i kept challenging her...asking her if she were really there. because it wasn't like a regular dream. it was as if she had come back to me to assure me that everything was going to be okay. she was her 68 year old self..but without the cancer. with a raspberry colored sweatshirt on. and i saw her beautiful smile and the love in her eyes and i felt her hug in my dream as clearly as if she were physically in my presence. she kept assuring me that it was real. she was real. and it felt so incredibly real. she came back to me. just to assure me that she is still here with me and that i will be okay.
it was glorious.
the mechanics of motherhood were never her forté...but the unconditional love and her constant, unwavering advocacy for the the people she loved..those things were in her bones.
she was perfect in her imperfections.
