when i got the call from maura that mom was in trouble, i rushed home, called the good (fang-friendly) kennel. it was closed. so i called the other kennel (which had banned fang for life) and begged them to take him in. indefinitely. they said "okay...if you can get here by 5:30. i drove like a maniac, threw open the door to my house, found fang in his usual after-work perch (curled up on a love seat), threw a seat-belt on him and headed toward the bad kennel.
fang is usually pretty mellow. he is the alpha dog in our house, so there is not much i can do to upset him. but he shook, violently, the whole three mile drive to the kennel. and as much as i told him it was okay...he knew it wasn't. because he knows me. and as calm as i pretended to be, he knew i was petrified.
when we brought mom home from the hospital, beastley (a 116 lb boxer who does not yet understand he is not a lap dog) did not jump up to greet her. instead, he followed, two steps behind her walker and laid down by the new, noisy hospital bed and watched his girl.
beastley took care of all of us while we were at mom's. he seems to sense when you are in despair and he walks up and lays his chin on your knee. he looks up at you with his big brown eyes and gives you unconditional love.when i came back to california sunday night, fang was already home because magee had sprung him from the kennel before i returned.
and, as usual, he ignored me for the first 20 minutes i was home...(he punishes me for leaving him)...but then he climbed into bed and curled up with me for what i thought was the most of the night.
but i woke up the next morning to find the contents of my purse strewn all over the living room.
and i realized that i had fallen into such a deep sleep that i missed fang's temper tantrum. (and that made me happy because i had been in desperate need of a deep sleep.)
monday night was really hard. i was alone for the first significant chunk of time in over a month. i did a lot of crying. and fang stayed glued to my side.
he is leaning on me right now. snoring.
mom loves fang. she has a gift with animals. dogs and horses especially. fang behaves for her in a way that he never behaves for me.
when i moved to san francisco, the rental market was extremely tight. i had accepted a job at riney and then found that i could not find a place to live that would allow me to have a dog.i called my mom, in tears, one night and told her that i was afraid i would not be able to keep my dog and the new job.
she said, "of course you can. we'll take care of fang. fang's a mooney now."
and she flew out to los angeles and picked up fang and brought him home with her. she kept him for two years. he sat on her lap in the mornings while she drank her morning coffee. he listened to her when she told him what to do.
again, in a way that he has never listened to me.
i look at everything now in the context of my experiences with mom.
how will i ever sell this little bungalow? mom bought me the front door. she moved the furniture around so it made more sense. she made the shades in the living room. she is all over my house. she hasn't seen my car. she would love my car. she loves my boat.
i tease her about a string. she always makes things better. and one visit, she was doing laundry and she noticed that you can't leave the lid to the washing machine open because there is a cabinet right above it. So she found some string and she made a braided cord about three feet long. She screwed two eye hooks underneath the cabinet and attached the string. now i loop the string over the lid and i have two hands free to load the washer. genius.
she installed a light over the kitchen sink in my new york apartment.she let me sleep in her bed for days when my first love dumped me.
i talked to her this morning and she sounded so good.
and i am trying to remember, every day, that i haven't lost her yet. and i am trying to remember to live in the moment.
because the thought of living in this world without her paralyzes me.
my world is good. but she always makes things better.
