a week ago, magee and i went out to a little place in berkeley called "sea salt." we were both looking for a meal that would be both delicious and healthy. (we're working on taking off the extra pounds that came with three months of chocolate ice cream followed by six months of sadness and most recently, depression.) it was delicious. she had a beautiful salad and some fresh chowder and i had half of a big crab and some figs with blue cheese.

it was all soooo fresh.

we commiserated about how we are living in this world right now. the fact of the matter is that neither of us is in a position to say "my world has been shattered and i need time for me, so i'll be taking the next year off of work." so we work..as much for ourselves as for the people who seem to freak out when we are out of the office for a day or two. and rather than people saying, "i know you are in more pain than you have ever been in your entire life, i appreciate your efforts and your commitment," people remind you that you are not doing things as well as you usually do them.

to that i say, "no shit, my mom is dead." no one in this world ever loved me more than she did..and she is gone.

i had no idea how much she helped me cope until she was gone. i called her when i was happy and when i was sad. i called her when i needed to know how long to bake a potato. i called her when i was crossing bridges. and my life has been blessed because i always knew she was there with open arms.

when someone chased me down 5th avenue harassing me, she was there, when someone fired me for not participating in his kick-back scheme, she was there. when someone was brutal to me because she thought i was after her job...mummy was there. she knew me. the days i wanted to give up, i called her and told her. she usually said "you don't want to quit. that's not you." once she said "come home, you don't have to take that anymore."

and i didnt quit. because just knowing that i could quit gave me the strength to go on.

no matter what i was up against...she was my safety net. and now she is gone.

and now i have to learn new coping skills. by myself.

magee and i were talking about how hard it is when people consider her death a distant memory. and how hard it is to walk around with a gaping wound that noone can see.

i definitely feel that way at work. and i really feel like most of the people at work have no idea how huge the hurt is. and, while i certainly would appreciate a little understanding, i would prefer that they have no sense of this for as long as possible. i wouldn't wish this on anyone. so there is a silver lining to that cloud.

luckily, my life is bigger than my job. and outside of work, i feel constant love and support.

last wednesday night, i was sad. on thursday morning, darcy called me as i was walking out the door to go to work, and quinci sent me an e-mail checking in. carisa called to say hello. as if telepathic, my friends and family called me just to check in when i needed it the most. e-mails from analisa and cat and aunt jane and uncle john, movies of missymoo from maura, funny e-mails from buzzy...they all come just when i need them.

i am getting better. i am not missing her less. i actually think i am missing her more every day. but i am fighting harder for my own life so i can do enough living for the both of us.

i am lucky. they say "you can't take it with you." and in the case of her safety net, it is true.

i am one of the lucky ones. if i get tired, or if i am scared, or if i get fed up...she left the safety net behind. she left it with magee and me and buzzy and maura. and with aunt jane and uncle john and lea and peaver and johnny...she left it with my friends. like cat, who sent me an e-mail out of the blue saying "FYI you know you can get on a plane and come out here any time you need a break!"

i have been so scared for the past few months. frantic, actually. and i am just starting to calm down, because i am just beginning to realize that everything is going to be okay. because i know that my friends and my family will keep me safe. because my mummy built me a net. and she consciously built it to outlive her.

so i am finally starting to go back to my old ways. i am starting to have the courage i had when she was alive. i will swing for the fences and make no apologies for my fouls. i am still spoiled. because i still do not have to do anything that i don't want to do.

and there is great freedom in that.

i have mummy to thank for that freedom.