i am losing sleep again. there are too many things running around inside my head. i don't think i could possibly have any clearer understanding of the word "depression" than i do right now.
once again, i am a textbook case. this is what happens six months after your mummy dies.
it feels strange. like gravity has an extra pull on me lately. everything is so hard.
and i need to snap out of it. not the sadness...because avoiding the sadness is just postponing the inevitable...but the depression. the lethargy. the overwhelming "woe is me" feeling.
i don't want to minimize the clinical part of the equation. it is more than likely that this is just as physiological as it is psychological. and i don't mean to suggest that depression is something that people can merely "wish away" because i think i would be doing a disservice to anyone who has struggled with the illness.
but i don't want to medicate myself.
i don't want to take pills to sleep and then pills to wake up. i want to try using a hard day's work to help me sleep and exercise to help me wake up.
and i want to stop wallowing. when i look back at my most recent posts (except the one about tahoe) i get a little sick of myself.
i want to be more like her.
she was getting her ass kicked by cancer and, up until four days before she died, she was putting her shoes on, brushing her hair, and trying to make herself useful. she was so strong. and she did everything with such grace and i am not holding a candle to her right now.
i need to try harder. i want her to be proud of me.
when i wake up in five hours, i want to rise and shine.
i have to remember that i need to live for the both of us now.
