a year has passed

and i just didn't want that to happen. i was dreading this almost as much as i am dreading christmas. christmas will be the first anniversary of mummy's last full day on earth.

i couldn't put my finger on the exact nature of my dread until a few weeks ago. gabrielle suggested i read "the year of magical thinking." in it, joan didion chronicles the first year after the death of her husband. gab had just finished it and thought that it echoed some of the things i had been saying to her.

and it all made sense.

because, as irrational as it may seem, somewhere in the back of my head i still have this feeling that this can't be true. and when i look up and see that it has been a year since we got the call and hopped on the red-eye, a little voice inside my head says "oh my god! she isn't coming back."

i know that seems bizarre. but it's true. there's a part of me that still has not accepted that this is final. the passing of a year seems to rub the reality of this in my face.

yesterday was a very good day for us. uncle jude has been on a waiting list for a kidney transplant for quite some time and yesterday he finally got his new kidney.

at one point today, megan forwarded me an e-mail update from sheila. in it she noted that the hospital staff was looking after Aunt Mary Anne while she looks after Uncle Jude. she said, ""Mom has a barcalounger to sleep in. I told her to ask for anything she needs...they had already offered her something to drink! Good. Maybe time for a whiskey sour? Go and Aunt Missy are up there sipping theirs now...keeping an eye on this." and i felt a huge pang in my gut. all i could think was "oh my god...she's really gone." it still catches me by surprise. how crazy is that? how crazy is it that after all this time, i still wake up on saturday mornings and wonder what she's doing and then remember that she's gone.

if she were here today, she'd be up early in the morning and on her way to georgetown to have her sister's back. and she'd be teasing uncle jude about his drafty hospital gown and celebrating his brand new kidney.

i do feel her looking out for us. and as clearly as if she were here, i can picture her pure joy for uncle jude's good news. but i just want to feel the soft skin of her cheek and see the sparkle in her eye.

if i could just fall asleep, maybe i would see her in my dreams. maybe i will see her with GoGo drinking whiskey sours.