a week ago, magee and i went out to a little place in berkeley called "sea salt." we were both looking for a meal that would be both delicious and healthy. (we're working on taking off the extra pounds that came with three months of chocolate ice cream followed by six months of sadness and most recently, depression.) it was delicious. she had a beautiful salad and some fresh chowder and i had half of a big crab and some figs with blue cheese.

it was all soooo fresh.

we commiserated about how we are living in this world right now. the fact of the matter is that neither of us is in a position to say "my world has been shattered and i need time for me, so i'll be taking the next year off of work." so we work..as much for ourselves as for the people who seem to freak out when we are out of the office for a day or two. and rather than people saying, "i know you are in more pain than you have ever been in your entire life, i appreciate your efforts and your commitment," people remind you that you are not doing things as well as you usually do them.

to that i say, "no shit, my mom is dead." no one in this world ever loved me more than she did..and she is gone.

i had no idea how much she helped me cope until she was gone. i called her when i was happy and when i was sad. i called her when i needed to know how long to bake a potato. i called her when i was crossing bridges. and my life has been blessed because i always knew she was there with open arms.

when someone chased me down 5th avenue harassing me, she was there, when someone fired me for not participating in his kick-back scheme, she was there. when someone was brutal to me because she thought i was after her job...mummy was there. she knew me. the days i wanted to give up, i called her and told her. she usually said "you don't want to quit. that's not you." once she said "come home, you don't have to take that anymore."

and i didnt quit. because just knowing that i could quit gave me the strength to go on.

no matter what i was up against...she was my safety net. and now she is gone.

and now i have to learn new coping skills. by myself.

magee and i were talking about how hard it is when people consider her death a distant memory. and how hard it is to walk around with a gaping wound that noone can see.

i definitely feel that way at work. and i really feel like most of the people at work have no idea how huge the hurt is. and, while i certainly would appreciate a little understanding, i would prefer that they have no sense of this for as long as possible. i wouldn't wish this on anyone. so there is a silver lining to that cloud.

luckily, my life is bigger than my job. and outside of work, i feel constant love and support.

last wednesday night, i was sad. on thursday morning, darcy called me as i was walking out the door to go to work, and quinci sent me an e-mail checking in. carisa called to say hello. as if telepathic, my friends and family called me just to check in when i needed it the most. e-mails from analisa and cat and aunt jane and uncle john, movies of missymoo from maura, funny e-mails from buzzy...they all come just when i need them.

i am getting better. i am not missing her less. i actually think i am missing her more every day. but i am fighting harder for my own life so i can do enough living for the both of us.

i am lucky. they say "you can't take it with you." and in the case of her safety net, it is true.

i am one of the lucky ones. if i get tired, or if i am scared, or if i get fed up...she left the safety net behind. she left it with magee and me and buzzy and maura. and with aunt jane and uncle john and lea and peaver and johnny...she left it with my friends. like cat, who sent me an e-mail out of the blue saying "FYI you know you can get on a plane and come out here any time you need a break!"

i have been so scared for the past few months. frantic, actually. and i am just starting to calm down, because i am just beginning to realize that everything is going to be okay. because i know that my friends and my family will keep me safe. because my mummy built me a net. and she consciously built it to outlive her.

so i am finally starting to go back to my old ways. i am starting to have the courage i had when she was alive. i will swing for the fences and make no apologies for my fouls. i am still spoiled. because i still do not have to do anything that i don't want to do.

and there is great freedom in that.

i have mummy to thank for that freedom.

insomnia

i am losing sleep again. there are too many things running around inside my head. i don't think i could possibly have any clearer understanding of the word "depression" than i do right now.
once again, i am a textbook case. this is what happens six months after your mummy dies.

it feels strange. like gravity has an extra pull on me lately. everything is so hard.

and i need to snap out of it. not the sadness...because avoiding the sadness is just postponing the inevitable...but the depression. the lethargy. the overwhelming "woe is me" feeling.

i don't want to minimize the clinical part of the equation. it is more than likely that this is just as physiological as it is psychological. and i don't mean to suggest that depression is something that people can merely "wish away" because i think i would be doing a disservice to anyone who has struggled with the illness.

but i don't want to medicate myself.

i don't want to take pills to sleep and then pills to wake up. i want to try using a hard day's work to help me sleep and exercise to help me wake up.

and i want to stop wallowing. when i look back at my most recent posts (except the one about tahoe) i get a little sick of myself.

i want to be more like her.

she was getting her ass kicked by cancer and, up until four days before she died, she was putting her shoes on, brushing her hair, and trying to make herself useful. she was so strong. and she did everything with such grace and i am not holding a candle to her right now.



i need to try harder. i want her to be proud of me.
when i wake up in five hours, i want to rise and shine.

i have to remember that i need to live for the both of us now.

today, magee came by at 7:15am. (it might have been earlier, but i didn't hear her until 7:15.)

she's been going through the exact same depression i have. she has the same lack of patience, the same struggle to start the day, the same everything.

i guess that is to be expected, because we lost the same mother, but it still surprises me when i get an e-mail from her saying exactly what i am feeling.

so she came by last night and we both agreed that exercise is probably the best way to ease our lethargy.

we had decided to go to the track from 7:00am to 8:00am this morning.

but i was still asleep at 7:15am.

she asked me if i wanted to sleep in and i said "no," threw on some sneakers, grabbed an ipod (mummy's) and went for a brisk walk.

and later, when i was driving to work, i remembered a saying that mom thought was funny. i can't remember if it was on a magnet or a coffee mug or a notepad that she gave me. i do remember that it was a commentary on the look i used to give her when she would pop her head in my room in the mornings and say "rise and shine."

the saying was "i may rise, but i refuse to shine."

it made me smile.

because my strategy right now is "fake it 'til you make it." and i am pretending i am a functioning member of society until i actually become one again.

and i was quite happy that i got up and got some fresh air before i started my day.

again, baby steps.

the hardest part of the day

i woke up this morning and i thought "i just can't do it." i just cant come up with enough strength to function today.

but i had so much to do.

so i took a shower, dried my hair and drove to the office. i parked at the lot at the end of the street instead of in my usual lot three blocks away.

i figured i'd go in, do the things that i needed to do and then let people know that i wasn't feeling well and go back home.

my 10:00 meeting was moved to 11:00. then at 11:00 it was moved to 2:00. and before i knew it, i was in the thick of things. functioning. not brilliantly. but certainly more than adequately.

i was still tired. depressed, really. but i realized that the hardest part of my day had already passed....when i got out of bed.

tomorrow i will try to "rise and shine." like she used to say....

how can it be that 6-1/2 months later i can find myself crying just as hard as i did on the day that she died?

sometimes, the very fact that she is gone knocks the wind right out of me.

lake tahoe is good for my soul.

this trip was too short.
i wish i had at least two more days with my friends in the fresh air and sunshine.
i love, love, love, love, love them.